Work Journal

The beginning of Earth -

Well, I’ve done it! The new CC opening, through some cosmic miracle, is mine now. There were so many others who are smarter and more efficient. I’m just an accountant. What happens when I mess up? Every CC branch is a little different, which also means I have no one to ask for help! 

What makes things worse is the note that Mr. Evren left me when I got to my new branch: “I’ve tried something new with this one, I hope you like it!” Something new?! I can’t deal with this. Ugh, I never make it easy for myself do I? Oh, lord help me.

First day - 

Nothing seems new yet. The atmo’s a little thicker than what the manuals say it should be. Other than that, though, it seems normal to me. I spent most of the day crunching the numbers — that means I spent most of the day making calculations. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have assumed everyone knows accountant lingo. 

The case hasn’t developed a thick enough atmo to make my job hard yet, so I was able to work on my work journal. The other guys call it a diary but a diary tracks your personal life and this is supposed to track my professional life. I need to keep myself focused. 

Oh no, what if this is a test? What if Mr. Evren means to fire me if I don’t find what’s special about this case? Oh, I was right; I won’t be holding this job for long. Why am I always right about the wrong things?

1.8 billionth year - 

I found it! Mr. Evren indeed left a little surprise on my first case and boy is it a big one! Well, not exactly big, but very important nonetheless. I was crunching numbers like any other day (hope you remember the accountant lingo) when it caught my eye. Thousands if not millions of tiny rod-like squishy rocks squirming around! 

1890 -

So as it turns out, the squirmy rocks started to evolve into some pretty crazy stuff. They eventually formed these big animals made up of trillions of squirmy rocks. Some of these can fly, but there’s one called “humans” that can think. They even created their own way of counting how many rotations the Earth has made, which I’ll be using from now on. 

They’re making all sorts of stuff like “trains” that move from place to place really fast. I’m a little concerned, though, because the number crunching is rising pretty high right now. Right now there are 294.2 parts per million of carbon dioxide in the air. It should be fine, though, as long as the CO2 level doesn’t pass anything ridiculous like 450 parts per million any time soon. I’ve handled this for billions of years and I’ll handle it for a billion more!

2022 -

There are 421.57 parts per million of carbon dioxide in the air now. The global temperature is over 0.5℃ higher than what it should be. I’ve tried everything from sending hurricanes and floods to wildfires and droughts to get them to realize this.

Mr. Evren finally dropped by today. As you can imagine, it did not go well by any means. Apparently, I’ve “insulted” him by using his surprise to destroy the project, although he used a much more vulgar way of saying “destroy the project” which I don’t think would be appropriate for a work journal. Anyway, if I don’t get this under control fast, he’ll fire me and replace me with my ex-wife. I’ve never seen a person’s mustache grow so twitchy. He’s pulled everyone else on the Earth project to other projects. 

I’m alone now and if I don’t fix this, I’m done for. I mean it’ll be okay, I’ll handle it.

2053 -

So as it turns out, I am not handling this. They ended up making giant factories (big places that build things real efficiently) that produce this substance called “plastic”. Everything is made of this. Some of them even inject this stuff into their faces! And now their trash, mostly made up of this plastic, floats around in the oceans, outnumbering the fish!

What have I gotten myself into?

4052 -

Well, it’s official. The international senate just passed a bill entailing coal and oil as the official resources of Earth. There is over 3000 PPM of CO2 in the atmo now.

I should not have taken this Climate Change job.

30502 -

It’s done for. Everything is dead.

These humans have dried the Earth, literally and figuratively, of resources. I gave up on trying to crunch the numbers a while ago. It’s all dead. They’re the only ones left here.

They should be dead, too, but they’re doing something impossible. Then again, I didn’t think life on a project like this was possible either. The humans are leaving Earth!!! They’re spreading like a virus to other projects! I can already see the destruction and death they’ll cause. I look at the burnt ball of green and blue that I was assigned to that’s now turned to black and gray. 

I really hope I don’t get fired for this.